Long before I began my own journey with crochet, I had seen The Restless Quill's blog in 2014. I loved what she said in it but in some ways I did not understand fully what she meant. But it stayed with me all these years. When I began to crochet, I remember going back and looking for her piece on it. Her thoughts:
And this is where I will come back to my crochet. The mindless hours I spend doing the work of crochet, of repetitively using my hook, of constantly being surrounded by my yarn, helped me see some things. First of which was to see how working with your hands gives you some level of focus and clarity. I found out making beautiful things that people like is deeply gratifying, but there also lies the trap of validation and seeking approval. Doing hours of crochet allowed me sit at home, be asocial and yet be productive. I understood why many, many treatment systems use occupational therapy. Seeing all the colours of my yarn, envisioning a product, designing it and finally finishing it all give me varying levels of satisfaction, and joy. It’s a great tool to shut my mind down and not think about the bad things, and by the time I am done fighting the darkness in my head, I’ve created something that’s beautiful and usable.
by The Restless Quill
In 2018 when I moved back to Hyderabad with my health in a much worse place than when I left, my grandmother was visiting. She crochets and knits. I asked her if she could teach me the basics. She spent some time that winter encouraging me to crochet and helping me learn with some hooks and yarn we had at home. A lot has changed since 2018. I went back and forth with the learning process but eventually by the time the pandemic rolled in, I had picked up some skills. I stocked up on yarn, hooks - discovering what suited me best and how to navigate my pain as I begun to crochet. Since then my grandmother and I have spent many hours discussing patterns, styles and what makes crocheting so great. I have also made her small and big things which she loves to display in her home and try to figure out the pattern from the product.
I understand a better what The Restless Quill was trying to say then. And I have some thoughts of my own. In the last few years of crocheting, I have seen myself build a relationship with the practice. I don't necessarily crochet big projects as my pain poses some limitations. But I have been crocheting consistently, challenging myself in other ways, for a few years.
Very recently, R, S and I did a London Drawing Group workshop on zine making with Ruby Etc. As a big fan of Ruby, the three of us very excitedly did the workshop together. [R has posted about it here.] Ruby spent some time asking us to question perfectionism in the workshop. While letting that thought ruminate in me, I worked on the background of the zine: drawing small lines, connecting them randomly, colouring the pages. I never began working on the content of the zine in our workshop evening. I returned home and spent some time looking at the sheet. Both the drawing I had made (which I tried hard not to be dismissive of) and the questioning of perfectionism led me to: crocheting. Here are some thoughts expanded from the zine I made.
What Crocheting Taught Me
1) You can start over anytime: There are large gaps of time when I feel unmotivated or unable to do tasks I care about - which is my normal. So starting over feels soothing for me. One of the pleasures of crochet is in being able to see a pattern have some errors and removing a few stitches or even starting over while taking the pauses needed. Sometimes I made entire projects that weren't perfect but I didn’t throw them away. I began to use them as cat toys. The cats in my life (my own and my friends) for the most part really liked them.
2) Knots are common: Knots in the yarn can be quite annoying for any crocheter. But the nature of yarn is such that knots are common. This seems true for me in life too. Just need that dash of patience to unknot it and trod along :) Crochet helps me practice my patience and maybe work on those painful knots.
3) Repetition soothes me: I didn't realise this till well into my crocheting life. I really enjoyed doing the same stitch over and over. The repetition was calming, predictable and helped reduce the anxiety. In fact one of my tricks to watching new shows has been to crochet as I watch it. This creates ease (as I get quite anxious while watching new shows and have a tendency to repeat the same show).
4) Working with my hands is grounding: I have been in therapy for really long but this point really only felt real after I began to crochet a lot. Through the pandemic while the world went on a tailspin, I worked on my crocheting skills diligently. The unpredictable nature of everything eased as I took shelter in the knowledge of what crocheting a few stitches together could produce. I still carry my yarn and hooks with me when I am travelling. Airports remain deeply unsettling and creating as I wait in corners of the airport, in the flight all help.
5) Making things brings me joy: I have made so many tiny crochet baubles over the years for friends. From christmas ornaments to coasters to cat toys to wall hangings or even bookmarks - I have made many things in the hope that I can bring some joy to others and to myself while I create. I try to make one thing to add to gifts to loved ones. I love hearing from them how they loved it or receiving photos of their cats loving it :)
6) Following patterns is as exciting as creating something new: I always thought I preferred to do things my own, on my own terms. Until of course I discovered the world of crochet patterns online. Uff, what a treasure trove. With the help of patterns I've made so many things including creatures from the sea, christmas ornaments and even headbands. Off late, I have been trying my hand at creating without patterns and I've made a pouches for my tarot cards, covers for an NVC game and even pouches for ipods/earphones/menstrual cups (you pick what you want to carry!)
7) Yarn and the brain have a lot in common: This feels intense but I only mean that both yarn and the brain are amenable to change, to being supported, to being shaped. For too long, I let myself feel out of control with my own being. In some ways crochet has taught me to take back some control, and try and try again. Just like I try with the yarn, I can also try with my brain.
8) Sometimes I need to take a few steps back to get it right: As you crochet more, one of the big things you begin to spot is small errors or shifts in the tension of the yarn. These can be quite jarring for those of us who like things to be perfect (its a learning process okay?). But crochet affords us the opportunity to step back, see the pattern, the oddity or mistake, undo it and start over. That stepping back is a valuable lesson for my life too. Sometimes you need to step back and observe a bit. Who knows what the steps back are going to tell us!
In many ways, crocheting itself has been an ongoing lesson in letting go of perfectionism, focussing more on the process, the repetition, the joys, the colours, the making. If you crochet, or make with your hands, how has it helped you? I would love to know.
You can see the whole zine I made here.
Poetry for you (and me)
The Most Important Thing
by Julia Fehrenbacher
I am making a home inside myself. A shelter
of kindness where everything
is forgiven, everything allowed—a quiet patch
of sunlight to stretch out without hurry,
where all that has been banished
and buried is welcomed, spoken, listened to—released.
A fiercely friendly place I can claim as my very own.
via The Alipore Post
Invitation
by Mary Oliver
as they strive
melodiously
not for your sake
and not for mine
and not for the sake of winning
but for sheer delight and gratitude—
believe us, they say,
it is a serious thing
just to be alive
on this fresh morning
in the broken world.
I beg of you,
do not walk by
without pausing
to attend to this
rather ridiculous performance.
It could mean something.
It could mean everything.
It could be what Rilke meant, when he wrote:
You must change your life.
A few lovely things
the quiet rebellion of a little life by Caitlyn
Caitlyn asks the question: what do you need to feel whole?
Killjoy thoughts on a new year
I want to crochet now!
This is so beautiful! I'm glad I got to read it, especially as I recently gave up on crocheting (again)