'Walk like thunder'
Healing notes
Today is not a good day to be writing this. Because I had actually planned something else altogether for this week. Life had different plans, of course. After a very long time, I had a major PTSD trigger which led to multiple days of panic attacks and me somehow functioning in the middle of them all. Sos meds helped a bit but you know how it can be. Panic attacks have a direct effect on my pain. As I type this I have hot water packs on me to calm some of the pain and some of the anxiety. Recently it was PTSD awareness day. It's not really a diagnosis that I hold onto for varied reasons but I've read up on managing it for many years and actively worked on it in therapy. This trigger sort of reminded me how hard it gets sometimes when panic is the constant state and I am unable to convince my brain I am now safe. I cannot think, focus and I'm my worst self. To myself and to others. I hate it. I hate that side of me. Then why am I writing this newsletter even today? Because my partner, S told me recently that my lows are not always visible. That I come across as optimistic even when my insides are self combusting. He reminded me of the care web we carefully built between each other when my body became exhausted, panicked and immobile and I couldn't communicate what I desperately needed. I miss that so much when I'm like this. When my body and mind betray me and I'm not able to make the panic attacks stop. It's hard to live alone and manage your food, your health and your cats life - while freelancing. Today these panic attacks just remind me that I'm tired. Tired of having days where healing seems so far fetched that I can just hope I'm not losing my mind. Or try to rock myself to sleep before one of the anxious dreams play out. Next week will be better I hope. Until then, I hope you will excuse my week of unable to do a regular newsletter. Instead I'm leaving you with a song that has saved me over and over: Walk Like Thunder.
"I walked with some givers and I walked with some leeches
I walked all by myself and I walked with the Moldy Peaches
I walked all over the world so I could sing my songs to you
And to your most desperate emails I said, "this is what I do."
I walk like thunder
[...]
He was the old manager of the sidewalk café
That place was a second home to me, it's where I learned to play
And his personality really helped create a space
Where a bunch of honest misfits could all gather and feel safe
He was a cynic, a supporter, he was crazy, he was queer
He'd either yell out "cut the bullshit" or, he'd say "I'm glad you're here"
See you next week, when normal programming will continue. <3 For now, here is my nurse, Kittusan.
'I’ve been circling for thousands of years and I still don’t know: Am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song?' - Rainer Maria Rilke