'To stand in the path of lightning'
I hope your 'breathing makes space around you'
<3
Reading corner
by Lal Ded
I
What the books taught me, I've practised.
What they didn't teach me, I've taught myself,
I've gone into the forest and wrestled with the lion.
I didn't get this far by teaching one thing and doing another.
II
Gently, gently I weep for you, my soul
You've lost your heart to Mr. Illusion.
You've forgotten who you are. And this iron anchor,
not even its shadow will remain behind when the time comes.
III
Resilience: 'to stand in the path of lightning.
Resilience: to walk when darkness falls at noon.
Resilience: to grind yourself fine in the turning mill.
Resilience will come to you.
From I, Lalla
Translated by Ranjit Hoskote
Healing notes
A couple of times I've written this and deleted it. Maybe shame isn't the only reason. It feels too much.
I have encountered my own interactions with envy in these past few years. Sometimes with my past - a more well self, sometimes with parts of others that I craved to be, but mostly wanting to be someone else entirely. They say, all the great books, poets, writers that is, that don't let envy become you. But when I sit down to understand that phrase, I realised it meant discarding this envy and I wasn't ready to do that yet.
I wanted to caress it and understand it a bit better. I wanted to face my own shortcomings with it. Is it because I cannot write flawlessly in public? Is it because try as I might I cannot demonstrate my pain to others? Or is it simply that I want to be seen and heard like so many others are?
I don't really know the answer. I doubt there is one at all. Yet, when I sat down to examine my emotions up close and just be with it, I realised I was envious. I doubt I could somehow become the people I was envious about. Not because they are bad people. No no. Just because it required me to contort myself into a shape my heart rejected as - 'not me'.
In these overwhelmed emotional states, I had discovered that those I envied, the ones who can stand in trains without screaming foot pain, my previous happier self that could be more carefree and less worried, the ones who fearlessly spoke about their next project in the public domain, many many others, were all just versions of things or people on earth. Not unlike me. Not like me.
Me, I too, was someone on this earth. However, I found it so very hard to take space and say, this is me. This is me. This had led me to want to be others. Did certain kinds of people get rewarded more easily? Possibly. I have already accepted in life (and many newsletters ago) that I am not sure I want to be different at all. It made me ask myself some questions and I think it helped. What am I afraid of when I refuse to take up space? Why was I running away in many ways from owning my space - not necessarily in the limelight but just in my corner?
I know myself decently well. I spend a lot of time every day trying to understand myself so I can recover from harm and be kinder, wiser and more open to vulnerable experiences. Before, I jumped and attacked myself saying - you and everything you do is meaningless, I could possibly just remember I am just learning and living. Ask myself why I am afraid to take up space and maybe nudge myself into a bit of space. And occupy it like it is mine and I, I belong here.
Food experiments
I began eating sabudana khichdi very early in life. I have only made it a handful of times. First time, it was amazing. Second and third time it was a soggy mess. But this time, it was beautiful. A delicate unravelling of tastes in my mouth.
Sabudana khichdi
3 cups full of Sabudana
2 cups of water
Roasted peanuts
Green chillies
Salt
Pepper
Coriander
Oil
Jeera
Begin by soaking the sabudana khichdi in water for 6-8 hours. Once the teeny balls are bigger, try squeezing them within your hands and check softness. They should be soft but not gooey.
Next drain the water out of the sabudana.
Heat oil on a gas. Add the jeera, green chillies and peanuts. Roast for a while.
Add the sabudana after this. Mix well. Let the white balls become transparent. Add salt and pepper. Mix mix mix well. So it doesn't stick to the bottom.
Finally garnish with coriander and eat!
Dear you,
I have been down with a viral for days now and struggling to not cough my lungs out. I hope
you have hot stuff around you like tea, soup, you know?
Love, kindness and warmth,
Nidsitis
'I’ve been circling for thousands of years and I still don’t know: Am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song?' - Rainer Maria Rilke