'To misplace, for a decade, the pocket of tears.'
Dearests,
I have been meaning to write in but these times are such that days pass by and I am effectively lost on where we are. I woke up this morning feeling for sure that it was Tuesday. Turns out it is a Friday. Not sure what difference that makes apart from my cat litter cleaning schedule. The rest of this newsletter has been sitting in drafts for a while now and I have been wondering how to write up this body.
For months now, my therapist and I have been working on expanding my window of tolerance. I think I didn't really understand what it meant till very recently. You know that feeling when small things make one underwhelmed or overwhelmed and nothing in between? So as part of exploring this idea of window of tolerance, which was coined by Dr. Dan Siegel, I made a small drawing. It is observed that window of tolerance is where we function effectively and the other two modes are hyper aroused or hypo aroused. This article was very helpful for me. The thing is, my great discovery (hahaha) was that I actually move from overwhelmed to shut down. Which is interesting cause my brain and body seem to think that shut down is a good place of functioning.
So I drew this to explain to myself and to others how I wasn't always aware that my shut down mode was not particularly healthy.
It has been useful for me to come to this place where I actively realise that shut down isn't necessarily the option and that there is a space between overstimulated and shut down. In the article that I shared above, the writer says: Our brains are designed to handle the ups and downs of emotions and experience by remaining within this window of tolerance. We may have unconscious coping mechanisms in place that help us handle that stress, or the passage of time brings us back to the center of that window.
One of the many things that has been hard for me is gaining trust in this protective nature of my body. After many years of struggling (I am still struggling), I am trying to identify when I am outside my window of tolerance and first articulate it. and second, work towards bringing myself back to safety. This neat handout has some ideas on how to return to the window of tolerance, but as always you have your unique coping mechanisms and its just about honing them.
I hope you are all hanging in and realising that this pandemic is mighty exhausting. One day at a time. <3
Love, hugs, warmth,
Nidsitis
Poems I loved
Vest
by Jane Hirshfield
I put on again the vest of many pockets.
It is easy to forget
which holds the reading glasses,
which the small pen,
which the house keys,
the compass and whistle, the passport.
To forget at last for weeks
even the pocket holding the day
of digging a place for my sister's ashes,
the one holding the day
where someone will soon enough put my own.
To misplace the pocket
of touching the walls at Auschwitz
would seem impossible.
It is not.
To misplace, for a decade,
the pocket of tears.
I rummage and rummage—
transfers
for Munich, for Melbourne,
to Oslo.
A receipt for a Singapore kopi.
---
If People Disapprove Of You.
By Sophie Hannah
Count the emotions you provoke:
Anger, suspicion, shock.
One point for each of these
And two for each boat you rock.
Feel yourself warming to your task –
You do it bloody well.
Read full poem. Link.
Healing recommendations
I turn to Mia Mingus often but these words are especially important in times like the present: "We are in a moment where we are building off of this work knowing that practice yields the sharpest analysis." Link to full piece.
A friend shared this a couple of days ago and it resonated deeply. How are we processing this longterm grief, uncertainty and so much more. Read more. Link.
Readings/audio/video I enjoyed
This lovely song by Morgan Harper Nicholas on their Instagram page is a must listen. Just a little more free. Link.
I have loved reading S. E. Smith's column ever since I discovered it and wanted to particularly share this beauty with you. Disability sucks sometimes. Why is it taboo to say so? Link.
A reminder for all of us from this Instagram page I love. We are STILL in the middle of worldwide trauma. Link. Another Instagram account I have been turning to for comfort. Link.
Perfectly Norman is a beautiful book, a source of comfort. You can listen to the read-aloud here. Or you can listen to this version by Apni-Shala here.
<3
'I’ve been circling for thousands of years and I still don’t know: Am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song?' - Rainer Maria Rilke