'They drift away from my words and look anxiously around'
Reading cornereast
My very existence becomes a threat to anyone I meet
by Perumal Murugan
As soon as I enter
they close doors and windows
As soon as they see me
they hurriedly send away their guests
They drift away from my words
and look anxiously around
They fall silent
They make plans to send me away quickly
They text from their cell phones under the table
informing god knows who about my visit
They take photos with me
and leave
They try to make a rare wonder of my voice
Someone has painted over my head
a pair of horns everyone can see
Someone has turned me
into a strange beast
~ 22 February, 2015
Healing notes
I cannot read much when my brain fog is high and concentration is low. I end up doing other things. I've always used negative language for coping mechanisms because they seem negative. You are just not supposed to cope with life - you are supposed to thrive. I don't know why this is a static place inside me. But today, I wanted to acknowledge and remind myself about some of the things I have learned along the way (that might seem basic). I travel quite a bit for work so I have learned to make this as less exhausting and as free of brain fog as possible. The first few trips were full of exhausted me sleeping for two weeks post 3 days of travel. This is of course not helpful and not to say I suddenly have stopped sleeping for many hours. But I found ways to reduce the intensity. These coping mechanisms always feel like I am limiting my ways of being. Over time I realise they allow me to negotiate my being in a world that prefers fast paced movement. And what is not beautiful about that?
Here are a few tips that I try to follow:
Tip 1: I always pack two-three days before I travel. This gives me time to slowly put things together that I may need.
Tip 2: Hand baggage is always light.
Tip 3: Ensure hand baggage has meds and a bottle of water. No excuses for this one.
Tip 4: Pack a bar of chocolate to eat when you feel exhausted walking at the airports.
Tip 5: Pack ginger candy, a tiny stone, a lavender pouch to ease the anxiety of travelling while in pain.
Tip 6: Wear comfortable shoes. Airports/train stations are huge and walking is hard.
Tip 7: Take breaks as you make your way through the travel spaces. Sit. Take deep breaths. Continue.
Tip 8: It is fine to accept that you cannot do as much as you used to be able to do. So don't over pack your travel itinerary.
Bonus tip: Pack your favourite tea for drinking when alone.
Tip 9: Stop taking early morning flights and late night flights as much as possible. Factor in the anxiety of missing the flight and not sleeping.
Tip 10: Be kind to your body and mind.
Things change so often in my life. One hour I am happy and excited and the second I am weeping into my pillow cause the pain meds don't work. I have never really stopped and given myself credit for doing all the things I do and for just being myself. It is part of the ever changing rhythm of my life that I sometimes just sigh and get back to work. My access needs change on an hourly basis and asking for things has always been hard for me. But all of these coping mechanisms, even the watching 30 romantic comedies over 5 days, is me trying to be part of the world in a way that I deem worthy.
Maybe I will never be able to convince myself of this, but today I thought I would share a list of things I think of as I prepare for travel. It is hard earned wisdom. And I just wish to share it with anyone who might feel like their normal is different and keeps changing. Our access needs are valid. Our needs are not whimsical. It is okay to say so.
We do the best we can each day. <3 May we find our way to acceptance of our changing bodies and minds. <3
Food experiments
Being South Indian like I am, I rarely make pav bhaji. Not even sure why. But recently I really wanted to do something different.
I pressure cooked 5 sliced potatoes. It pressure cooked for about 5-7 whistles. I wanted it nice and mashed. Meanwhile I toasted my pav with amul's garlic butter which I love.
As the potato cooked, I waited and sipped on my ginger, turmeric and ginseng root tea (highly calming).
Once the potatoes were done potatoing, I mashed it up in the water that I cooked it in. On a side pan, fry onions, mirchis in ginger and garlic paste. Add this to the mashed potatoes. Salt, turmeric and chilli powder on top.
Finally garnish with my favourite thing ever, coriander! :D Eat after :D
Dear you,
How has the weather been? It feels like monsoons are lasting for a long time.
Hope you are enjoying the weather in you space.
Love, kindness and warmth,
Nidsitis
'I’ve been circling for thousands of years and I still don’t know: Am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song?' - Rainer Maria Rilke