'That we endure absence, if need be, without losing our love for each other'
Reading corner
Prayer for Revolutionary Love
by Denise Levertov
That a woman not ask a man to leave meaningful work to
follow her.
That a man not ask a woman to leave meaningful work to
follow him.
That no one try to put Eros in bondage.
But that no one put a cudgel in the hands of Eros.
That our loyalty to one another and our loyalty to our work not be set in false conflict.
That our love for each other give us love for each other’s work.
That our love for each other’s work give us love for one another.
That our love for each other’s work give us love for one another
That our love for each other give us love for each other’s work.
That our love for each other, if need be,
give way to absence. And the unknown.
That we endure absence, if need be,
without losing our love for each other.
Without closing our doors to the unknown.
Healing notes
Recently I read an article about forgiving parents for their mistakes. It came with no trigger warning at all. Of course, we give trigger warnings for rape, domestic violence etc but a naturally imbalanced relationship where there was violence has no warning. I guess that is understandable. From the first time I went to therapy, I was repeatedly told by my therapists that my parents want whats best for me. I don't think I ever doubted that. I never saw them as vicious or brutal or unkind people. Just people who didn't understand me, Recently, I was faced with this same reaction of theirs - a reaction I have witnessed for decades. One where I was inadequate and they were right. It is a hard thing to shake off.
I brought this to the attention of my therapist and we spent a long time talking about why the onus of forgiveness is on me. I have always placed it on me too - because I can only control what I do. Also, I didn't want to be angry and bitter about all that they had said or done. Noble reasons all of them. But like my brain is forever trapped in some binary - I was stuck in a binary of needing to forgive them or be angry and bitter. It felt to me like the only way I can renegotiate our relationship was through forgiveness. It never occurred to me that it could be on my terms. I could reimagine a way to shape this relationship free of anger and forgiveness.
I am not saying one mustn't forgive the people they want to, or feel like they want to. I actually don't want to make excuses for them. As someone who has been on the receiving end of shit and on the giving end of shit I have had to come face to face with my actions - both when I did the harm and when I felt the harm. But expecting this from myself vs asking others to live upto these standards is quite the opposite.
It was interesting to begin thinking that if anger and forgiveness are not my only options, what would I choose?
Creative experiments
Reclaiming my hands to do crochet has been such a joyous part of expanding how I spend my time. As someone who works from home, I struggle a great deal with ensuring I give myself breaks of rejuvenation and restoration. Rest is easy cause my body demands it. But the other stuff is harder.
Anyway, here is a crochet pattern that makes lovely flowers as brooches or chains. Once you make the single flower it is all about stringing it along or tying it up.
Start with 7 chain stitches
Put the needle into the first stitch - closest to the end of the yarn and add a stitch.
Now you have a circle with a small hole in the middle.
Now chain four stitches. Then do a treble crochet stitch. A treble crochet stitch requires you to wrap the yarn around the needle twice and then put the needle into the hole in the circle and finish till you have one loop on the yarn.
Do this three times.
Finally chain stitch 4 and put the needle into the centre and close the stitch.
Tada you have one petal. Do this five times over :)
You can watch this video that I watched to help you get started: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PeXVcmyXhcg
Enjoy!!!! <3
Dear you,
I changed the names of one of the headings because my
food experiments were part of my larger coping and I wanted to expand to give other things
space as well. Hope you enjoy it. <3
Love, kindness and warmth,
Nidsitis
'I’ve been circling for thousands of years and I still don’t know: Am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song?' - Rainer Maria Rilke