'Remembering after so long how to open again'
Reading corner
Snowdrops
by Louise Glück
Do you know what I was, how I lived? You know
what despair is; then
winter should have meaning for you.
I did not expect to survive,
earth suppressing me. I didn't expect
to waken again, to feel
in damp earth my body
able to respond again, remembering
after so long how to open again
in the cold light
of earliest spring—
afraid, yes, but among you again
crying yes risk joy
in the raw wind of the new world
Healing notes
As someone who has been sick for several years, physically for a bit less time than mentally, I have been engaged with the medical system a lot. I have seen my share of doctors - good, bad, ugly. They have been mostly inconsiderate at worst and unhelpful at best. This makes recovery look pretty damn terrible. But I have managed and even if I say so myself, found a routine and some moments of clarity.
Recently, I went to a doctor recommended for me. There were a team of doctors at this centre and it was an out of body experience. I have mulled over it for hours now and just wanted to reflect a bit on why it was so good.
In all the time that I have been ill, doctors, loved ones, random dudes on the internet all seem to suggest I am not doing enough. It has been among the hardest things to reconcile. But in this encounter, it was taken for granted that I knew my body well. That I knew the lows, the highs and the in-betweens. That I am able to make the decisions that are best suited for it. That doctors in general and pain specialists in particular often dismiss the amount of pain women are in (since most of these conditions affect women more) before they come to the doctor. I know all this on some days. Having a medical professional look at me and tell me he is sorry he cannot help me more; or that he is sorry I am in pain - was a first.
As someone who reads a lot of chronic illness literature, disability literature (#criplit) and is always looking for alternative stories to reframe some of my experiences, the few hours I spent talking to the doctors were --- revolutionary.
It makes me wonder, what the world would look like if this - the compassion, the empathy, the kindness and the courage to sometimes admit that the medical system does not have the answers - was actually the norm?
I for one would spend less time beating myself up for being 'not productive', 'not doing enough', 'just complaining too much'. All the energy I spend there could be used for other things - like um - reading books and listening to podcasts?
If you are reading this and have your own set of experiences with doctors that were not encouraging, I just want to say - I see you. I see your pain. I believe you. <3
Food experiments
Mango rice is one of these fantastically simple things that I love to eat. The season of mangoes means I am going to test a few mango based recipes. This one is soo simple!
Grate some raw mango - about half a cup.. Heat oil in a pan. Add mustard seeds and let it pop. Add some dal and roast. Add curry leaves and cut up pieces of green chillies. Roast a bit. Then add the grated raw mango. Season with salt, mirchi powder and turmeric. Let it cook till it's tender. I didn't have a grater so I peeled the mango and used the peeler to make thin strips and then cut them up. Mix the rice with it and donnnnne. :)
Dear you,
Mango season has me testing and tasting and savouring so many mangoes.
I also love the ice apple/munjalu/nungu. Have you tried it? Such a delicious fruit.
Hope you are eating yummy fruits and enjoying the joys of summer. <3
Love, kindness and warmth,
Nidsitis
'I’ve been circling for thousands of years and I still don’t know: Am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song?' - Rainer Maria Rilke