'Open ourselves to darkness and travail'
Greetings fellow earthlings!
Here is the second edition (is that what they call it?)
of 'Am I a falcon, a storm or a great song?' newsletter.
<3 <3 <3
Reading corner
In the drawing room
by Rainer Maria Rilke
They are all around us, these lordly men
in courtiers' attire and ruffled shirts
like an evening sky that gradually
loses its light to the constellations; and these ladies,
delicate, fragile, enlarged by their dresses,
one hand poised on the neck-ribbon of their lapdog.
They are close to each of us, next to the reader,
beside us as we gaze at the objets d'art
they left behind, yet still possess.
Tactful, they leave us undisturbed
to live life as we grasp it
and as they could never comprehend it.
They wanted to bloom
and to bloom is to be beautiful.
But we want to ripen,
and for that we open ourselves to darkness and travail.
(From New poems, excerpted from A Year With Rilke)
Healing notes
(Pic courtesy: A)
Some days, especially when I am on call with a doctor, or visiting another doctor and we have changed my medicines around for the nth time, I feel frustrated. Illness can be frustrating; to not know if this week's exhausting two days of travel will wipe me out for two weeks or just a day. Will I be able to stand through my day-long training? What new symptom will I feel? Will an old symptom flare up? These are not easy questions. Especially as doctors don't have answers to many of these. In fairness, try as I might I have no answers to these as well. We just shift my medicines around a bit. Not to dismiss the mounds these medicines have helped me.
In such moments, I allow myself to feel the frustration. The anxiety. The fear. I manage to get through the moment and eventually remind myself, it is a growing and learning curve with my body. As it has been. These questions are unanswered today. I cannot forget the years I have walked this path. The ages I have grown. The lessons I have learned. They have been many - some I asked and some I was led to.
I know that frustration and beauty can co-exist; that happiness and pain are both in my body, and I needn't be guilty about feeling either. While remembering this, I know there is a lot more to know about my body (probably true about bodies in general). In practise this means, the uncertainty of 'what will today look like?' is something I really grapple with. It is okay. Okay to not be okay, too. Like Rilke says, 'we want to ripen and for that, we open ourselves up to darkness and travail'. I am learning that unpredictability is not my strong suit and learning to navigate it is a journey I must take.
Food experiments
I really wanted to bake myself some yummies last week but I was very fatigued. Nigella's Chocolate Olive Oil Cake is an easy, go-to recipe for many gluten and lactose free folk. However, it isn't very festive. I looked on the internet a bit more, and turned up with nothing else that required not too much effort. The fatigue was a bit much to attempt any of the more complex ones. So I made a few modifications to this one! I very rarely use the same flour as Nigella cause she always bakes her gluten free cakes with almond flour and I am not so decadent!
Chocolate cake with sprinkles!
1 cup coconut flour
1/2 cup buckwheat flour
6 tablespoons cocoa powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 cup boiling water
1 cup coconut sugar (or any sugar you have)
4 eggs
2/3 cup olive oil
(plus secret ingredient of dark rum)
For glaze:
2 tablespoons Cocoa powder
1/3 cup coconut milk
Pieces of dark chocolate
Mix the cocoa powder and boiling water till you get a beautiful mixture. Blend the eggs, olive oil and sugar. Add the flour, baking soda and beat. Add the cocoa powder mixture to the blend. Be generous with the dark rum depending on how much you want. I was too generous because of the occasion.
Pour batter into a bowl and push into pre-heated oven at 180 degrees celsius for about 30-40 minutes!
Once the cake is out, let it cool down for about 10 minutes. Meanwhile I made the glaze. Added two tablespoons of cocoa powder to 1/3 cup of coconut milk and heat. Add pieces of dark chocolate. I have been using Amul's chocolate which are nicely priced and don't have milk/too much sugar. Glaze will become Glazey. (Clearly I have been doing this long.) Once it cools down a bit add to cake. Generous topping of sprinkles and voila!
Happy lots of cake eating!
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Dear you,
I hope this week's mailer has not gone to spam. One can hope. But algorithms aren't always your friend. Thank you for being here and I hope you like it. Have a gentle and loving week ahead.
Love, kindness and warmth,
Nidsitis
'I’ve been circling for thousands of years and I still don’t know: Am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song?' - Rainer Maria Rilke