'Light inside a cage'
Reading corner
Heart/mind
by Laura Kasischke
A bear batting at a beehive, how
clumsy the mind
always was with the heart. Wanting
what it wanted.
The blizzard’s
accountant, how
timidly the heart approached the business
of the mind. Counting
what it counted.
Light inside a cage, the way the heart —
Bird trapped in an airport, the way the mind —
How it flashed on the floor of the phone booth, my
last dime. And
this letter
I didn’t send
how surprising
to find it now.
All this love I must have felt.
Healing notes
Writing this in times like this is awfully hard (though these days this feels like everyday of our lives). Everything seems so small in comparison to the crisis we are facing internationally. It made me turn to Agha Shahid Ali who says in his poem, Farewell:
I'm everything you lost. You won't forgive me.
My memory keeps getting in the way of your history.
There is nothing to forgive.You can't forgive me.
I hid my pain even from myself; I revealed my pain only to myself.
Much of the work on myself has been reacquainting myself with pain. Pain I've not revealed to anyone and sometimes pain I have only spoken of to myself. As part of a meeting room exercise, my therapist held space for me and then I held space for myself - where over two weeks I tried to sit (uncomfortably) with all the feelings inside me. It was hard, awkward and honestly, I had forgotten what a judgmental prick I am. She gave me only two guidelines - do not judge what shows up and be kind to what doesn't want to reveal itself.
It felt a bit like lighting a bunch of candles in my dark room, cleansing the air of harsh language and meeting all the parts of me, within in. Through this exercise, I realised that many of the things I feel I don't reveal at all but over time, some of the stuff that is not as socially acceptable as happiness (say anxiety or vulnerability) I have gotten used to displaying. But others I struggle more with. I think holding a commune, or a healing circle, or a meeting room for all my internal parts of me - when the world feels so overwhelming right now - was actually calming. I think through this process I was able to see which parts of me - I refuse to put down on paper and of course remembering that there are parts of me in hiding from even me.
So if you hold a circle for yourself, I hope you know that some parts are too hidden to show up. But eventually someday we can sit and have tea and cake with all my demons and my friends residing within me.
Till then, I would like to leave you with this excerpt from Yumi Sakugawa's book that nudges me to be kinder every day. I am not sure I am saying farewell to any of these parts of me - but probably just saying, have a seat and some cake. <3
Creative experiments
A friend's mom made this in her house a couple of weeks ago and I absolutely had to try it out!
I bought a large brinjal and made thin-ish slices out of it. I rubbed it in salt and let it rest. The water drained out of it for a while. In about 10 minutes, I made small cuts along the front of the brinjal. Then I washed the salt off. Meanwhile I took a little bit of gun powder (molagapodi) and rubbed it on each of the brinjals on one side. Then roasted it till it turned deep brown on both sides. And then tada! serve :)
Dear you,
Everything seems so dystopian right now. But more than ever
community plays a huge role. Do write in if you would like something to read/be with. <3
Love, kindness and warmth,
Nidsitis
'I’ve been circling for thousands of years and I still don’t know: Am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song?' - Rainer Maria Rilke