'Lalla has been waiting for the allure of the world to fall away.'
Reading corner
Poems by Lal Ded
Translations by by Andrew Schelling
I have seen an educated man starve,
a leaf blown off by bitter wind.
Once I saw a thoughtless fool
beat his cook.
Lalla has been waiting for the allure of the world to fall away.
---
I might scatter the southern clouds,
drain the sea, or cure someone
hopelessly ill.
But to change the mind
of a fool
is beyond me.
---
I came by the public road
but won’t return on it.
On the embankment I stand, halfway
through the journey.
Day is gone. Night has fallen.
I dig in my pockets but can’t find
a cowry shell.
What can I pay for the ferry?
Healing notes
When your body is in a lot of pain your mind begins to associate wrong with the body. Something I have gotten used to saying - both inside my own head and to others - 'This body feels broken'.
It is a way to accept the limitations I do have but also a way to respond in general? In my therapy session with my new therapist, she said to me everything your body is doing is its way of trying to protect you. The anxiety, the pain, the panic attacks. 'Your body wants you to be safe. Held. Seen. No feelings are wrong/broken. Everything is valid.'
On the face of it, I should know this by now? But hearing her tell me that my body-mind are on the same team as me was a revelation. Negative self talk is fun, humorous and I do it a lot. But the damage it has done is also vast. I do want to believe my body is on my team. I do want to believe I do the best I can each day. I do want to be safe and accept my body without treating it as a limitation. This is a struggle because of what I expect from myself and what everyone around me wants for me.
One of the troubles with this is also how often society reminds me that there is a 'normal' to aspire to. Even if the normal is my past self. I was joking with a friend yesterday that most days I wake up by 11 am. And I am horizontal again by 4. Sometimes people talk to me on calls and the words never get processed. I hear the words but I don't understand anything. This week I have had a bad episode of brain fog and this has meant dealing with some difficult truths of what I can do.
Some days it feels like I am giving up. But other days I honour my body and its growth; there is an acceptance. I want to treat this body-mind with love, concern and see it everyday for the richness it holds. But I am not pretending or lying when I say it is hard to not keep comparing to my old self - which to be honest was not perfect or anything. The "normal" however has shifted. I have changed. This body-mind also wants me to be loved and to love. Guess that never changes.
Food experiments
I love cooking pineapples. I am not really sure why. But it is one of my favourite dishes. This week I was in an experimenting mood. I mixed pineapple an paneer together!
I sliced up pieces of pineapple and paneer. And sauted them for 5-10 minutes in oil. Once they were cooked, I added salt and chilli powder to it. Let it mix for a while.
Finally I added about 100 ml of coconut milk to this. Kept mixing. I had this premixed powder at home that my sister got for free during her shopping. It was a paneer tikka masala which is a mix of coconut, cashew, salt, chilli powder, turmeric and jeera powder.
I added this premixed powder to the mix and let the mixture thicken. Then I added it to my rice and happily devoured it. It was a nice mix of sweet (from the pineapple) and spicy (from the mix).
Dear you,
Hope you have been able to catch some rest in between the horrid news cycle.
We all need some respite from having to constantly react. <3
Love, kindness and warmth,
Nidsitis
'I’ve been circling for thousands of years and I still don’t know: Am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song?' - Rainer Maria Rilke