'It’s okay to take a moment from an anxious, fractured mind'
Dearests,
It has been so many months of being in this pandemic. The reduced going out has meant a lot more time at home, and a lot more time in front of a screen for me. Lately, I’ve not been able to watch any new tv shows or movies. By lately I mean maybe six or so months? One of two new things slip into the mix but mostly it has been rewatching old comfort shows. This is usually a sign of how bad my anxiety is. For very long I didn’t really think about this pattern much. Now it seems clearer to me. I feel less and less apologetic about it and allow myself what seems possible.
So during this time of rewatching, I have seen the show Elementary over and over. I can’t really remember when I watched this show for the first time. I just knew while I made my way through it how comforting it was. The relationship between Sherlock and Watson was one that I loved watching. The sounds, their voices all bring calm. People often ask me why I don’t watch other things and if I don’t get bored. And honestly I don’t know how to answer that.
Despite all these rewatches (and there have been many), I always uncover these beautiful hidden nuggets of wisdom that comfort me. One of my favourites is this clip where he speaks about the profound harm that occurs when someone who is meant to nurture you, hurts you instead. The other is this one where Sherlock recites Rilke, whose quote this newsletter is named after. Not the same one of course.
“When anxious, uneasy and bad thoughts come, I go to the sea. The sea drowns them out with its great wide sounds and cleanses me with its noise and imposes a rhythm upon everything within me that is bewildered and confused.” - Rainer Maria Rilke.
I was thinking about this quote and all the things that provide this kind of calm to me in these times. The rustling of trees in a park. The early morning bird sounds free of bike noises when I walk Kitsu (the cat). The familiarness of things I watch on TV. The repetition of tasks I do, like chopping veggies, crocheting, petting Spot (the cat) to sleep.
I went looking a while back about this pattern of rewatching stuff and it seems there are many reasons. Reasons that range from anxiety; low bandwidth and even nostalgia. There was a meme a while back that was shared widely that spoke of this very phenomenon. It is interesting that so many of us experience this. And that it could be connected to the times we live in that I have been seeing it more often spoken about.
What do you do when you feel anxiety in your body? Where do you go? What do you listen to? What TV do you watch? What do you do when you find yourself only revisiting old shows and not watching new ones? I would love to hear how you have been coping.
Lots of love,
Nidsitis
P.s: It has been a long hiatus but I felt able to return here again. Hope you are holding up okay <3
Poems I loved
The Mountain
by Laura Ding-Edwards
If the mountain seems too big today
then climb a hill instead;
If morning brings you sadness
it’s okay to stay in bed.
If the day ahead feels heavy and your plans feel like a curse,
There’s no shame in rearranging,
don’t make yourself feel worse.
If a shower stings like needles
and a bath feels like you’ll drown;
If you haven’t washed your hair for days,
don’t throw away your crown!
A day is not a lifetime.
A rest is not defeat.
Don’t think of it as failure,
Just a quiet, kind retreat.
It’s okay to take a moment
From an anxious, fractured mind.
The world will not stop turning
While you get realigned!
The mountain will still be there
When you want to try again
You can climb it in your own time,
Just love yourself till then!
“We could walk for hours then and still had enough daydreams
to keep the world exciting, to stay curious about the whispering
prickling grass, the delicious brittleness of dried seed husks.”
by Yee Heng Yeh - Knowing Time
“I always feel like a normal person
They just don’t see me as one.”
by Naomi Shihab Nye - Separation wall
Healing recommendations
“May you never discredit your own growth just because your day to day is filled with unknowns” - Morgan Harper Nicholas. Link
25 notes on becoming by Boluwatife Afolabi: Link
How does trauma affect memory by Sam Dylan Finch: Link
“As a society, how do we understand what is normal and what is pathological?” Interview with Jayasree Kalathil: Link
Readings/audio/video I enjoyed
On Feminist Friendships by Jessica Horn Link (Article) [Via Feminist LK Telegram group. To get wonderful links like this sign up]
Lessons from nearly dying by Abhishek Anicca: Link (Article)
Choosing ourselves and each other- Queer disabled legacies, desires, dreams: Link (A panel video)
But this is what I have now by Bijal Vaccharajani: Link (Article)
Preparing the body for a reopened world by Ada Limon: Link (Article) [I know, I know. We aren’t there yet. But I found the piece very comforting]
'I’ve been circling for thousands of years and I still don’t know: Am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song?' - Rainer Maria Rilke