'It matters that you care. It matters that you feel.'
Reading corner
Hokusai says
by Roger Keyes
Hokusai says Look carefully.
He says pay attention, notice.
He says keep looking, stay curious.
He says there is no end to seeing.
He says Look Forward to getting old.
He says keep changing,
you just get more who you really are.
He says get stuck, accept it, repeat yourself
as long as it’s interesting.
He says keep doing what you love.
He says keep praying.
He says every one of us is a child,
every one of us is ancient,
every one of us has a body.
He says every one of us is frightened.
He says every one of us has to find a way to live with fear.
He says everything is alive—
shells, buildings, people, fish, mountains, trees.
Wood is alive.
Water is alive.
Everything has its own life.
Everything lives inside us.
He says live with the world inside you.
He says it doesn’t matter if you draw, or write books.
It doesn’t matter if you saw wood, or catch fish.
It doesn’t matter if you sit at home
and stare at the ants on your verandah or the shadows of the trees
and grasses in your garden.
It matters that you care.
It matters that you feel.
It matters that you notice.
It matters that life lives through you.
Contentment is life living through you.
Joy is life living through you.
Satisfaction and strength
are life living through you.
Peace is life living through you.
He says don’t be afraid.
Don’t be afraid.
Look, feel, let life take you by the hand.
Let life live through you.
Healing notes
A lot of messy things have been happening in my life professionally and I am watching how easy it is for me to get trapped in my own patterns and habits. One of my oldest comfort (not) inducing habits is guilt. Guilt is such an easy emotion to feel. In fact I think in some relationships I am made of 70% guilt and 30% water. So even when I give it my all and the other person may not be communicating effectively, I still feel guilty for not doing enough. So much of this stems from my relationship with my parents and how often I feel guilt there. Each time I assert my boundaries, clarify my point of view, the resistance (any resistance) from the other end leads to guilt. It is so hard for me to keep it at bay and accept that I am doing what I need to do; that this is my choice and backlash shouldn't make me change my perspective.
The other emotion I feel too much of is anxiety. Anxiety is an old old friend. Recently an incident that took place had me travelling back in time to when I was a scared and hurt 22 year old. Suddenly, all the wisdom I had gained from all the years of self work went missing and I was sitting in a corner, holding myself and crying. This is among the hardest things that I have to fought. The trigger that takes you back in time and makes you feel things from the years gone by. I don't want to give it any name, but a part of me now can see the ways in which past experiences get tied up to present experiences and thus releasing this huge mound of endless pain. It is not pleasant. I spend weeks putting myself back to together; separating my current feels from old feels and finally reminding myself to be kind to everyone involved, including myself.
I think patterns of people who live with mental health conditions or not is important for us to discuss in life. I know everyone I interact with is replicating patterns that they are known for. Thus making it so hard for us know what we are engaging with. But it helps I suppose to remember this and be kind to them and self.
What do you do when you see yourself trapped in old patterns? Are your patterns also ones of guilt and anxiety? What helps?
Food experiments
I have grown up eating this vegetable but never really made anything with it myself. Dosakai/Budamaka is this tiny round yellow vegetable. The internet calls it yellow cucumber in English. I am not sure about the english name but do google the telugu/tamil name and see the images of it. I am sure you have seen it in the market.
Dosakai papu
Half a dosakai, peeled and cut into tiny pieces
Dal - whichever you like
Tomatoes - 3
Coriander, salt, turmeric, chilli powder to taste
Season with jeera and mustard seeds
Put the cut up dosakai, dal and sliced tomato into the pressure cooker with water. Let it give out 5 whistles.
Once the pressure lets out, let the dal reduce a bit on the open cooker. In another vessel. add oil, jeera, mustard seeds and some green chillis. After the mustard seeds burst, add it to the dal which is reducing.
Finally add coriander, salt, turmeric and chilli powder. If you prefer it slightly watery, then you can stop when it attains that consistency. Else let it reduce for a while! Can be served with rice or roti or eaten just like that! :)
Dear you,
Life is such a mixed road. I am not sure I ever get used to the ups and downs.
Hope your month of May was kind to you. <3
Love, kindness and warmth,
Nidsitis
'I’ve been circling for thousands of years and I still don’t know: Am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song?' - Rainer Maria Rilke