'If there is pain in the room then that pain is inside someone'
Reading corner
Can you help me let me (excerpt)
by Alec Finlay
i/
what is this
that has
come into
the little
space
that I fill? A more unrecognisable self
illness Words, poems: witness - ways to convince someone, and ourselves that pain is comprehensible.
The effect of pain: pulled threads, frayed threads, threads that draw us apart - apart from time, apart from friends, apart from the world we have known and hope to know again.
We say we bear: it has a weight, and the spirit bears the imprint.
the it within
can become
a voice inside
Wellbeing is defined by the extent to which we can dwell with 'it' within, or create an identity for ourselves without this 'it'.
Our choices in the matter are often limited, given that 'it' dwells within us and reaches without us.
One measure of wellbeing is the ability to translate 'it' into speech or writing.
ii/
half-way
to speaking
takes us
part ways
out of
loneliness
a borrowed walking
stick to make the sign
for what was
happening
still, no one saw
up there
where my legs can't go
the little that needs said
when you meet
another person
who shares
the same condition
iii/
Fantasy: the revolution in medicine began at Stanford: a gentle professor of urology had a nurse inject him with preparation that simulated the pain experienced by his patients. Things would never be the same again.
Having the same chair
equality
Robertson Davies gave this as one of his principles as a doctor: no desk closing him off from the patient, and no chair that is superior to theirs.
if there is pain
in the room
then that pain
is inside someone
if we did
not change
we would not
need one another
Calculation: if I rest this long will I be able to manage that?
Illness is an inequality - much more than an injustice.
iv/
Brecht blamed his heart condition on having been forced to listen to Chopin as a teenager.
He held the view that it was society's maladjustment and pressures, and the aggressive reduction of everything to modes of exploitation that was responsible for much ill health. He continued to believe, sincerely, that social revolution would bring about his own cure.
the test is
a perfect terror
of now, soon,
or never
a man walks in
to the social security system
and says
'I've come to be cured...'
The ill get campaigns, badges urging them to fight their condition and paradoxically, they are never more praised than when they are running marathons. But when the times comes, they receive no Remembrance Day, and no medals.
A friend tells me of one assessment centre which is known to regulars are 'Lourdes'.
The memory has never left me: standing before a glass partition, trying to explain to an official of the DSS - as they were known then - that my illness meant that I could work for around 15 hours in a week, but I could not predict which 15 hours.
limits are reached
at different speeds.
[Source: from the book Stairs and Whispers]
Healing notes
Last week I wrote a bit about negative self talk and how I deal with it. After I finished writing it, I have spent the week reflecting on positive self talk and what shape it takes in my life.
I realised these are often the words I use for myself: 'fighter', 'strong', 'kind', and 'thoughtful'. These are in many ways how I get out of my slumps of bad mind space. Two of these words made me sit up and realise something. I defined myself as an outcome of overcoming bad situations. This is not so bad, I suppose? Yet, it is limiting. Limiting in ways of what I am capable of, who I am. Also limiting in how I define progress and change. A way in which it involves being against something and recovering from it.
If I had to define yourself in any way possible but for it to have positive connotations not just for me, but for everyone; ways in which I was allowed to be gentle instead of words that denoted action in an aggressive manner, judgment-less. How would I do it?
For a while now, I have been thinking about how I can love myself, hold space for myself in a way I don't dismiss others; don't feed into the larger discourses about being worthy only when I behave or am a certain way.
I came up with this: gentle, kind, thoughtful, generous, forgiving, breathing. These are all of course not destination spots but journeys. Was just a useful thought for me to hold onto so that my positive self talk doesn't become competitive; and I learn to just be.
Food experiments
Mango dal
The best part about the mango season is putting raw mango and sweet mango in a lot of food! Mango dal is one of my favourite dishes to make.
Half of a raw mango - cut up into pieces
Half cup mix of dal - whichever you like (I used masoor and tuwar dal)
Thotakoora (Amaranthus) - a bunch of it
Salt
Turmeric
A pinch of mirchi powder/pepper
Garlic
Roast pieces of garlic in the cooker. Once done add the mango pieces and fry for two minutes. Next add the dal and water. Finally add the cut up thotakoora to the dal.
Add the salt, turmeric and mirchi powder or pepper. Mix well and close the pressure cooker. Let there be three whistles before you turn it off. Take out after the pressure lets up and eat with rice/roti or just a giant bowl of dal like I did! :)
Dear you,
Hope the heat isn't terrible and you have respite the way you need it.
Hope there is oodles of water and good food along with it.
Love, kindness and warmth,
Nidsitis
'I’ve been circling for thousands of years and I still don’t know: Am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song?' - Rainer Maria Rilke