'For the life-changing things you must risk it.'
Reading corner “Growing up is difficult. Strangely, even when we have stopped growing physically, we seem to have to keep on growing emotionally, which involves both expansion and shrinkage, as some parts of us develop and others must be allowed to disappear...Rigidity never works; we end up being the wrong size for our world.”
“I have noticed that doing the sensible thing is only a good idea when the decision is quite small. For the life-changing things you must risk it.
And here is the shock- when you risk it, when you do the right thing, when you arrive at the borders of common sense and cross into unknown territory, leaving behind you all the familiar smells and lights; then you do not experience great joy and huge energy.
You are unhappy. Things get worse.
It is a time of mourning. Loss. Fear. We battle ourselves through with questions. And then we feel shot and wounded.
And then all the cowards come out and say, 'See I told you so.' In fact, they have told you nothing.”
“In therapy, the therapist acts as a container for what we daren't let out, because it is so scary, or what lets itself out every so often, and lays waste to our lives.”
“Love is vivid. I never wanted the pale version. Love is full strength. I never wanted the diluted version. I never shied away from love’s hugeness but I had no idea that love could be as reliable as the sun. The daily rising of love.”
“We always think the thing we need to transform everything - the miracle - is elsewhere, but often it is right next to us. Sometimes it is us, ourselves.”
“Living with life is very hard. Mostly we do our best to stifle life - to be tame or to be wanton. To be tranquillised or raging. Extremes have the same effect; they insulate us from the intensity of life. And extremes - whether of dullness or fury - successfully prevent feeling.”
― Jeanette Winterson, Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal?
Healing notes
When my life makes little sense, I return to the books I've read many many times. They are comfort but also a space where I can fall apart without explanation. Why be happy when you could be normal was always this space for me. Off late my reading, outside of work, has been abysmal. But I continued to try. Spending time with poetry, books I've loved and held close.
My therapist of course has been of great help through this. She always suggests that I sit through these uncomfortable feelings. I want to snort, but the sitting does lead to some ah ha moments. I was going through photos on my hard drive a week back and I found this art work by Dallas Clayton. I really just wanted to stay still and not have to observe, feel or react to the happenings in the world. Yes, this probably means I am not directly affected yet. But it was just an exhausting ordeal of grief after grief, horror after horror on our screens. I felt unable to breathe. Turning away feels wrong; but how helpful is watching consumed in anxiety?
It began to make me think about the days between crashing and healing. I have those - and psst, I am sure you do too. Like today, it has been crash day. A day of lots of sleeping and only doing bare minimum. But there will be other days of healing, where I can articulate myself, channel the energies needed to hold space for others, to agitate, to organise.
Everyday cannot be spent in feeling the world's happenings so intimately. Some days I need to live in that space between thinking, reading and feeling - where there is some silence, to build myself and to find the words to communicate about this moment in time. Where everyone is feeling all the emotions, all at once.
Creative experiments This might be the quarantine cook in me because it was the easiest dinner. I just fried my capsicum, tomatoes, and sausages together till the water lets out. Fry it in butter and some herbs/spices.
One done, apply a light layer of southwest sauce on the pizza base, put the veggies+ sausages on top and then cut up/grate cheese all over it.
Put it in the oven for about 15-20 minutes and donnnne!
Dear you,
Nothing has made sense for so long. I am not bad at dealing with uncertainty but
a bit tired of this continuous cycle of work (in the house, on self, at work). Could use a break.
Is there an off button anywhere? Like hibernate now? No?
Well, I am going to keep looking. <3
Love, kindness and warmth,
Nidsitis
'I’ve been circling for thousands of years and I still don’t know: Am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song?' - Rainer Maria Rilke