'First you figure out what each one means by itself'
Reading corner Breakage
by Mary Oliver
I go down to the edge of the sea. How everything shines in the morning light! The cusp of the whelk, the broken cupboard of the clam, the opened, blue mussels, moon snails, pale pink and barnacle scarred— and nothing at all whole or shut, but tattered, split, dropped by the gulls onto the gray rocks and all the moisture gone. It's like a schoolhouse of little words, thousands of words. First you figure out what each one means by itself, the jingle, the periwinkle, the scallop full of moonlight. Then you begin, slowly, to read the whole story.
Healing notes
A friend reached out to me last week to remind me why I began writing this newsletter. She said she loved reading the healing notes and that it didn't feel repetitive to her. I almost didn't believe her because she is one of the kindest people I've met. But I say this about everyone. Recently I was at a family function and my cousin who is usually brutal was telling my mother what a good trainer and educator I am. I honestly find it hard to accept compliments. But two seconds later my mother replies: It is because of us.
I stepped away from this engagement and reflected on this conversation with my therapist. Unfortunately memories are tied together in such a way that I could remember every single time my mother had made a similar comment to me. I shared this with my therapist not in the hope to flog my mother for taking credit but to understand why it was so hard for me to accept that I am good at some things. Or why I turned to her voice that wanted to pass on credit.
It is hard to undo some of the childhood patterns but I am positive that it is possible. I see myself struggling to accept even now that I might be good at something but the power lies in my changed ability to recognise that the voices in my head are not mine. I think a lot of my adolescence was spent thinking that confidence = arrogance. Knowing that there is actually a difference between the two is a recent realisation.
Realisations don't equal shift in thinking but I am happy to have these realisations, so the shifts in thinking may follow. It feels like such a huge breakthrough for me. I laughed in therapy when I realised it. Guess one just prods on, slowly changing our reactions. Maybe, I don't have to start with disbelief - when people say nice things to me. Seems like a good place to start <3
Or like Mary Oliver says: first you figure out what each one means by itself and then slowly you can see the whole story.
Food experiments
I often make food for three days because I am both tired and lazy. I rarely enjoy eating the same thing over and over but I must say, this was a delightful blend of awesome!!
I cut up three aloos and let it cook in a pan with onions. Once it had cooked a bit, I put 200gms of prawns in. Then I sauteed them for a while. Finally I added 200ml coconut milk and 50 ml tomato puree. Letting this reduce for a while, I added salt, turmeric, mirchi powder and some Siracha sauce (oopsie). Let that cook as I heated some water on the side. Added this to the mixture and let it reduce for 10 minutes.
Top it up with coriander and voila. Food for almost a week :D
Dear you,
Hope you have been well. This year has flown by, trudged along slowly
and been both great and amazing at once. Hope you enjoy this month and
the warmth of christmas stays with you <3
Love, kindness and warmth,
Nidsitis
'I’ve been circling for thousands of years and I still don’t know: Am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song?' - Rainer Maria Rilke