'Finding ancient shards, negotiating for my soul with the leftover facts of the Earth'
Reading corner
Always Alone
by Linda Gregg
There was a place. It was not important.
A narrow street next to the sea in the town
where I waited for the bus to take me
back up to my house on top of the mountain.
I would buy a bottle of water and sit
on a step across from the wharf,
in the shade if I was lucky. I watched
the beaten-up fishing boats tied to the pier.
The fisherman sold their catch alongside.
Or sat idle on the decks, something cooking
on small grills. Mostly I looked away,
to another mountain where I felt
the goddess used to be. Where I walked
so often in her absence. Finding
ancient shards, negotiating for my soul
with the leftover facts of the Earth.
Reconciling with what love is. Always alone.
Usually it was evening and I would be tired.
I would watch the boats, hear the Aegean,
consider the mountain that I had been intimate with.
Sometimes I would take a fragment
from my bag and spit on it. Or splash
on the last of my drinking water to see
if anything was there. Maybe a piece
of the classical black glaze
or the shadow of a flower. Maybe even
part of a maiden. In the pleasure
of the whole thing. Still a secret.
Healing notes
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"I know our feelings can be so unbearable that we employ ingenious strategies - unconscious strategies - to keep those feelings away. We do a feelings - swap, where we would avoid feeling sad or lonely or afraid or inadequate, and feel angry instead. It can work the other way, too - sometimes you do need to feel angry, not inadequate; sometimes you do need to feel love and acceptance, and not the tragic drama of your life. It takes courage to feel the feeling and not trade it on the feelings-exchange, or even transfer it altogether to another person."
Jeanette Winterson, Why be happy when you could be normal
Off late, I have been involved in a huge feeling swap. I have been trying to fight feeling tired, not in control with anxious and inadequate. It is all I feel. "Not enough". The strongest voices in my head tell me there is nothing else to feel. After all, if I am not in control of say words, which I feel a lot more than usual now, I am not enough. If I cannot perform at my new normal which is about 40% of my usual, I am not enough.Â
I am not enough. Not enough. Not enough. Over and over.
What does it mean to be enough though? What does it mean to accept that its been weeks since I was in control of my illness, of my words, of my life? What does it mean to know that sometimes I have no way to rationalise my way out of feeling inadequate and anxious?Â
Today, I have nothing but questions for myself. Because I promised myself that when I cannot change my destructive behaviour, I will try to pose it questions.
So I stand in front of this mirror and ask the reflection looking back at me:
- What do you need to feel somewhat in control?
- What do you want to feel a bit less anxious?
- What do you need to be told so this endless loop of feelings stops for a bit?
- What do you want to accept that you ARE not your best right now and that IS okay?
The reflection stares back at me. Today I might be not enough. But what about tomorrow? What do you say to this body that holds todays, yesterdays and tomorrows - and the scars from all this nasty talk?
"The things that I regret in my life are not errors of judgement but failures of feeling."
"Why is the measure of love loss?"
Why am I still measuring my worth in things I can and cannot do?
Food experiments
I have been eating mangoes and loving it. But the past week my body has gotten the best of me so I made this large vessel of this and ate it to my hearts content! No name for it cause I made it up?
Two mangoes cut into small pieces mixed with two bananas cut into small pieces. 200 ml of milk - whatever kind you have.
Blitz it well. And tadaaaaaa. It was a paste and not like a juice so I could eat it with dosa or with a spoon. Yum. Nothing fancy at all and but it felt nice to have something this good in my system. <3 Â
Dear you,
This heat is getting a bit much for me. I am hydrating like constantly. Hope you have calmness in your life and some pieces of coolness. <3
Love, kindness and warmth,
Nidsitis
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'I’ve been circling for thousands of years and I still don’t know: Am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song?' - Rainer Maria Rilke