'Everything that ever was'
I hope in all the gloomy days, you have light. <3
Reading corner
Everything That Ever Was
by Tracy K. Smith
Like a wide wake, rippling
Infinitely into the distance, everything
That ever was still is, somewhere,
Floating near the surface, nursing
Its hunger for you and me
And the now we’ve named
And made a place of.
Like the wind the rains ride in on,
It sweeps across the leaves,
Pushing in past the windows
We didn’t slam quickly enough.
Dark water it will take days to drain.
It surprised us last night in my sleep.
Brought food, a gift. Stood squarely
There between us, while your eyes
Danced toward mine, and my hands
Sat working a thread in my lap.
Up close, it was so thin. And when finally
You reached for me, it backed away.
Bereft, but not vanquished. After it left,
All I wanted was your broad back
To steady my limbs. Today,
Whatever it was seems slight, a trail
Of cloud rising up and off like smoke.
And the trees that watch as I write
Sway in the breeze, as if all that stirs
Under the soil is a little tickle of knowledge
The great blind roots will tease through
And push eventually past.
[Source: https://postwc.wordpress.com/2017/04/25/national-poetry-month-everything-that-ever-was/]
Healing notes
Sometimes a memory catches hold of me and I spin out of control. This is because I have found that many tiny memories are attached to each other with a string in my brain. When I tug at one memory to better look at it, all the tiny ones come tumbling out. This isn't really a bad thing except when the memories aren't pleasant ones. Our mind is a beautiful house of all kinds of memories no? Good ones. Bad ones. Pleasant ones. Not at all pleasant ones. Scary ones. Basically I am doing an emotionally spectrum match of memories right now.
I was thinking about therapy and the years I have spent going to a therapist, recently. There have been many of them; my therapist (present one) and I engage on a level that I find very satisfying. She accepts the work I do on myself and I try to trust that she is on my side. It is a lot of give and take. Listening. Talking. Crying. Being present in my discomfort of hard, indigestible memories. Every coping mechanism I learn in therapy, from learning to be kinder with myself, to being present when my memories spin out of control, to reminding myself of all the good things that co-exist with these unkind memories are not easy to do. But what part of healing is?
I remember a few months ago when I was trying to fix my jaw and was in a lot of pain, I would tell myself that this is the best metaphor there is for healing. Healing is painful. Healing is frustrating. Healing has no shortcuts.
As I learn to better deal with my emotions and my memories, I have come to realise and remember that 'everything that ever was still is, somewhere, floating near the surface.' I just need to push past it on some days. On others, I breathe through the unease - because it is the only coping mechanism I have for that kind of pain.
What has being on the road to healing, the rigour of therapy or just breathing taught you? <3
Food experiments
Cookies, along with a hot drink of your choice. Yum! These cookies were mostly made after I searched for recipes that had all the stuff I already had at home. Eventually, I just modified a paleo recipe enough to make this. They are slightly chewy, slightly gooey and melt in the mouth!
Peanut butter cookies
1 cup peanut butter (I used a mix of peanut butter and chocolate peanut butter)
3/4 cup coconut sugar
3 tablespoons buckwheat flour
1/4 cup almond milk/Coconut milk
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
Begin by melting the peanut butter. Add the coconut sugar to this. Mix the flour, salt and baking soda in. Finally add the coconut milk.
Use your hands and mix it nicely.
If it is liquidy, like mine was, refrigerate for an hour. Once done, pre-heat the oven to 180 degrees as you make small balls of dough. After that press the dough down with two fingers.
Put cookies into oven for 12 minutes. If you like your cookies hard and not gooey, then I would say about 15-17 minutes. YAY to cookies!
Dear you,
I have gone back to drinking lots of tea thanks to the monsoons. It feels like comfort, the pitter patter of the rain. I hope you have something comfortable around you too. Love, kindness and warmth,
Nidsitis
'I’ve been circling for thousands of years and I still don’t know: Am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song?' - Rainer Maria Rilke