'And who is this miracle listening?'
Reading corner Generous Listening
by Marilyn Nelson
A conversation can be a contest,
or a game of catch with invisible balloons.
They bounce between us, growing and shrinking,
sometimes floating like cloud medicine balls,
and sometimes bowling at us like round anvils.
You toss a phrase and understanding blooms
like an anemone of colored lights.
My mind fireworks with unasked questions.
Who is this miracle speaking to me?
And who is this miracle listening?
What amazingness are we creating?
Out of gray matter a star spark of thought
leaps between synapses into the air,
and pours through gray matter, into my heart:
how can I not listen generously?
Healing notes
I had a stunning moment of gratitude last week. I had undertaken two things in the day after a long train journey. Two things I cared about deeply. Two things that sort of symbolised my many ideas and thoughts. I got done at the end of the day and stood under a tree on the road. The tree held me in that moment. The tree felt my presence in a deep way; just like I felt the tree and its energy. This seems like so much (poppy cock?) but I was just filled with a warm feeling of wonder, kindness and joy. I knew I deserved to feel everything I felt in that moment. It felt phenomenal.
This was a rare feeling for me. I mostly do stuff I love but I rarely can see beyond my self deprecation and self torture of anxiety. I enjoy the moment but this feeling of accomplishment, of gratitude, of happiness was not always present.
As I reached home (several hours later, thank you Bombay), I felt the exhaustion of the day hit me. I collapsed into the bed and pain was my friend again. It is soon going to be four years since I first began to feel pain. Its shape has shifted so much in my life. Occupying more and more space.Demanding more and more attention. Craving to build a home in this body-mind. And me, trying hard to balance between feeling good and knowing the pain will take over soon. I want to be positive. I want to accept it sucks. I want to feel joy. I want to know the pain will return.
How do I hold all this in my body at once? How do I honour this complexity today, was the thought I had as I lay in bed staring at the fan spinning? I posted something to this extent on my Instagram page and a bite sized version on Twitter. Then I let go. I drifted off to sleep.
I woke up feeling tired, exhausted, hungover without alcohol (ah the sick life) and happy.
I sometimes get caught up in the extremes of what I feel and my body-mind really struggle because balance doesn't come easy. Acceptance, healing, joy, pain all acting like a rollercoaster that makes it so hard. Yet, I marvel that I am able to feel this level of joy. This level of pain. For so many of these past few years, I have disassociated from everything because it is all too much. Now holding it all together feels too much. But this body-mind can.
I wonder what balance even is. Is it this journey I make daily between pain and joy? Is it accepting that my body manages both? Is it not living in the extremes and managing a middle ground always? I don't know what it looks like.. I just know my body-mind seem to be oscillating between these rigid (ish?) positions and I feel a bit tired and a bit clueless. How much more time will it take for me to unlearn rigidity and embrace this new life better?
Food experiments
I had a pasta loving week. Tummy was really sensitive and I was unable to digest much but pasta kept calling out to me. I didn't want to add maida in a white sauce pasta so I made one without that was delicious and creamy and rich!
First melt garlic and herbs butter in a pan. Add chicken pieces and cook a little. Add mushroom and capsicum and cover. Let it cook together for about 5 minutes. Add a glass of about 80-100 ml of milk alongwith two teaspoons of cream. Let it blend together on low simmer.
After a few minutes when it thickens, add salt, pepper, oregano and chilli flakes. Let it reduce a bit before you add the spaghetti or pasta of your choice!
Yum yum yum.
Dear you,
What does rest look like when I freelance too much and body protests.
How to take vacation and time off? Would love to hear and cannot be more accepting of
any suggestions anyone has!
Love, kindness and warmth,
Nidsitis
'I’ve been circling for thousands of years and I still don’t know: Am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song?' - Rainer Maria Rilke