'And what if I spoke of despair—who doesn’t feel it?'
Hope the week ahead is pleasant <3
Reading corner
And What If I Spoke of Despair
by Ellen Bass
And what if I spoke of despair—who doesn’t
feel it? Who doesn’t know the way it seizes,
leaving us limp, deafened by the slosh
of our own blood, rushing
through the narrow, personal
channels of grief. It’s beauty
that brings it on, calls it out from the wings
for one more song. Rain
pooled on a fallen oak leaf, reflecting
the pale cloudy sky, dark canopy
of foliage not yet fallen. Or the red moon
in September, so large you have to pull over
at the top of Bayona and stare, like a photo
of a lover in his uniform, not yet gone;
or your own self, as a child,
on that day your family stayed
at the sea, watching the sun drift down,
lazy as a beach ball, and you fell asleep with sand
in the crack of your smooth behind.
That’s when you can’t deny it. Water. Air.
They’re still here, like a mother’s palms,
sweeping hair off our brow, her scent
swirling around us. But now your own
car is pumping poison, delivering its fair
share of destruction. We’ve created a salmon
with the red, white, and blue shining on one side.
Frog genes spliced into tomatoes—as if
the tomato hasn’t been humiliated enough.
I heard a man argue that genetic
engineering was more dangerous
than a nuclear bomb. Should I be thankful
he was alarmed by one threat, or worried
he’d gotten used to the other? Maybe I can’t
offer you any more than you can offer me—
but what if I stopped on the trail, with shreds
of manzanita bark lying in russet scrolls
and yellow bay leaves, little lanterns
in the dim afternoon, and cradled despair
in my arms, the way I held my own babies
after they’d fallen asleep, when there was no
reason to hold them, only
I didn’t want to put them down.
Source: http://www.ellenbass.com/books/mules-of-love/and-what-if-i-spoke-of-despair/
Healing notes
It has been a set of dark and gloomy days here. Weather wise, I mean, but also in general.
I have gotten better, let me say, in letting my body, mind and mood get the rest they deserve without much subsequent guilt. Yet sometimes I find myself confused by my change of pace, pain and mood because the switch is quite sudden. Like in the morning, I am able to think clearly, articulate myself and even work smoothly. But by mid-morning the clarity is gone and I struggle to sit up. It is hard for me to not see this as part of my need to renegotiate how I work. Rather than my response being talking to myself angrily.
The strict ways in which we define work hours and not-working hours also means it is frowned upon to take a nap/walk/read a book in the middle of a particular bad brain fog or pain spot or just a difficult mood. Yet, I am seeing how turning my attention away from the task at hand, away from the angry voices and to something that I enjoy or that would potentially calm me down does help or could in fact help. A couple of hours later - I might still not be able to work. The day might be gone. At the very least I didn't spend it beating myself up for it. Or I could feel a lot better and I could resume working on the task I set my mind to.
The change is not merely to stop being harsh on myself. It is to listen closer to my body when it is telling me something. Even if that something is: stare at the kittens for the next hour or so. My body didn't actually tell me that. Though staring at them does help. Makes me wonder how I could build something that allows for me to integrate this learning, this listening, this everyday closeness into my life. Something for me to think about on my healing journey.
Food experiments
This beautiful chocolate-orange cake is Nigella Lawson's recipe. Easily found on the internet. I used one of the recipes as a basis to modify and change it depending on the resources I had and to suit specifications I may have learnt over my year of experimenting with gluten-free baking. This was nearly one-kg cake and the chocolate chips on top were a blessing! I baked it for someone else and I am told they loved it. Yay! :)
Chocolate orange cake
2 small oranges
7 eggs
1 teaspoon baking powder
1⁄2 teaspoon baking soda
200g mixed flour - I used coconut and buckwheat flour
250g coconut sugar
50g cocoa
nearly 200 ml almond milk
1/3 cup olive oil
Lots of chocolate - I used Amul's chocolate and orange blend
To begin with put the oranges in a bowl of water and bring to boil. Let the oranges remain on the gas till they are soft. Once done, drain the water, cool and then blend it in the mixer. Set aside.
Beat the 7 eggs till nice and foamy. Blend the orange mixture into this. Add the milk, oil and mix. Next, add the cocoa powder, sugar, flour, baking powder and baking soda and continue beating. Finally add the chocolate.
Oil your vessel. I used a spring foam. Pour the batter into the vessel. Add the chocolate chips on top. (Optional).
Bake for 40-45 minutes at 170 degrees. Check at 35 minutes if it is done. But mine took about 40 minutes.
Enjoy!! Serve hot or put in fridge and eat later. Both turned out great, I am sure! :)
Dear you,
It is cold here because of the incessant downpour. I hope you are comfortable in your city. Thank you for being here! <3
Love, kindness and warmth,
Nidsitis
'I’ve been circling for thousands of years and I still don’t know: Am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song?' - Rainer Maria Rilke