'And the loving unfolds is the unseen in this world of things'
Reading corner
Never so far
by Linda Gregg 'the dead have enough poppies' Marina Tsvetaeva
And the loving unfolds
is the unseen
in this world of things.
Like the time of day, water in a well,
snakes on the road. Being alone
is the realm you mate with,
and the loneliness strangely ends
although you have never been so far
from home.
Healing notes
I was watching Brene Brown's Netflix special this week. It's titled 'A Call to Courage'. It is beautiful of course, like the many things Brene Brown does and writes. What I found most reassuring was listening to her talk about shame and vulnerability. Each time I sit down to write this bit, I am consumed by a need to not be "too vulnerable". Yet, I know some of the greatest gifts in my life have come from being vulnerable.
It is not easy. I am not saying it is.
It is in fact awful to sit in-front of a computer and type out the words that imply that I don't have it together, that I am still struggling, that its been years of therapy and some things remain unaddressed. It positively sucks. But writing it has definitely gotten easier over time. Some days I feel positive about community, healing and just hope in general. Other weeks, I am too tired to feel anything but sadness and grief for all the things I am losing. Friends who I might not have the energy to spend time with; jobs that look great but demand too much of me; things I was formerly able to do like be a kickass trainer; financially unstable and terrfiied. Now words don't come, panic attacks arrive at unnecessary times and migraines wipe me out for hours - this is the life I have learned to live.
My worst moments go unseen. My best moments feel too surreal. Everything feels limited.
Yet, I feel so much gratitude for everything. For the friends who check up on me. For those who send cat photos and videos and flowers to cheer me up. For sisters who send food when I cannot leave my bed - the same guntur idli and mango lassi are comfort. For partners who understand that I need to sometimes sleep at 6 pm and sex is out of the question.
I cry as I write this. It must also be why I am hesitating to send this (Hi late newsletter). But illness has made me ever so grateful for the wonderful things in my life - most of all a community that has been willing to learn my limitations and love me for them.
I am very, very good at giving care (I say this because I have been told this). I think those around me can vouch for this. Receiving care on the other hand has always been hard for me. But illness has helped me learn. I guess at the end of the day, that is who we are. A being eager to learn, unlearn. <3
Food experiments
Vankaya pulusu
This dish brings together many of my favourite things. Brinjal (Vankaya) and tamarind broth (tangy stuff).
5-8 Brinjals sliced
One clump of tamarind soaked in hot water
One onion cut up
Three tomatoes cut up
Ginger garlic paste
Oil
Salt
Chilli powder
Turmeric
Begin by frying the onions in a pan. Once slightly brown, add the ginger garlic paste to it. Mix well. Then add the tomatoes and cover it. Let it cook for a while.
After a while add the brinjal and close. Let it cook for 5-8 minutes. Meanwhile make the tamarind juice from soaking tamarind in hot water. Add the juice to the brinjal, tomatoes and onions. Add salt, chilli powder and turmeric. Let it slow cook for another 5 minutes. The gravy will become slightly thick. You can add more water if you want or leave it. Top it up with some coriander and donnnne!
Dear you,
I am having a difficult time eating these past few weeks. Any suggestions to
increase appetite and eat better? <3
Love, kindness and warmth,
Nidsitis
'I’ve been circling for thousands of years and I still don’t know: Am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song?' - Rainer Maria Rilke