'Always close to the soft madness of coming undone'
Reading corner
That woman
by Tishani Doshi
That woman is here again.
She’s found her way out
from under the stairs.
For centuries she’s been weeping
a song about lost men,
the disappearance of beauty,
disgrace.
Now she’s back in the world,
down by the traffic lights,
in the shade of trees,
hurrying to the parlour
to fix the crack in her face.
Don’t become that woman,
my mother said,
by which she meant,
don’t become that woman
who doesn’t marry
or bear children.
That woman who spreads her legs,
who is beaten, who cannot hold
her grief or her drink.
Don’t become that woman.
But that woman and I
have been moving together
for years
like a pair of birds
skimming the surface of water,
always close to the soft
madness of coming undone;
the dark undersides of our bodies
indistinguishable
from our reflections.
(This is a great video to watch too)
Healing notes
I have typed and untyped this many many times already. *deep breath*
I have been processing some emotions in therapy which have been interesting (ha!) and excruciating. We have been trying to unpack the main reason me and my body-mind move (by this I mean rush) to fear and guilt before anger comes into focus. Part of being in EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an interactive psychotherapy technique used to relieve psychological stress. It is an effective treatment for trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).) has meant exploring some very difficult emotions and memories but remapping them in my brain so I can delink it from the trauma network.
As I had written a few newsletters ago, I have trouble holding multiple emotions together. This session of therapy led me to the realisation of why I "prefer" guilt and fear to anger. So I have been thinking about this and I asked on my Instagram what is the emotion people would pick - you know as if its an easy choice. haha. Nearly 50 people responded to the poll and almost 45 people said anger over both guilt and fear. It got me thinking about what my therapist was trying to tell me. Many of them shared why it was so for them and I found the entire conversation very illuminating. Anger has been called many things bad, corrosive. Yet the guilt and fear I sometimes feel can also be debilitating for me.
My therapist comes from the school of thought that every emotion you feel is valid and a legitimate response from your body-mind. Mostly a way to protect you from something external/internal. She presented to me a line of thinking - what if anger is an emotion that helps you act? And guilt is an emotion that helps you reflect? Is it possible for both these emotions to co-exist without one over riding the other? I felt that I am not able to feel anger - because anger somehow requires the other person to change - it is an outward emotion. But if I squarely hold the 'blame' or the reason for the situation within me - then I can control it. [This is of course not true for every situation but in my case it is true for many of the situations that come up in therapy]
I think I came undone when these words left my mouth. We are now on a break from therapy and I've been instructed to observe my dreams, my bodily sensations and emotions and report back to her if I am uncomfortable or disturbed by what turns up. It has been a rocky ride, friends. A lot of deep breaths, reorienting and just cat petting.
The truth is, I don't know what to do with everything that is turning up. I continue to feel like I can do something to "fix" this situation that causes me emotional pain. Letting go is what a part of me had done. But realising that my memory network kicks in when someone subtly hints at something (that may have similarly happened in the past) - is not a nice realisation to live with. Which means a part of me reacts from this place of baggage and whooooossh. My guilt is accumulated and fear too. It shows up in relationships that don't deserve to bear the brunt of this. Which is why I began trying to work my way through this emotional storm. I try to heal some of these wounds and let go of ones not in my control - so I can stop reacting from the past and respond from the present.
A part of me is afraid. Afraid that I will be done working on myself and nothing would have changed. Working on myself, makes me believe, that I am a work in progress and healing of some sort from these panic attacks, from nights of restless sleep with memories I do not even remember. Does it ever go away? What does better look like? How do I know when I am done? Will I ever be done?
I asked my therapist this and I hold her response close to me - so I will share it with you: It looks like whatever you want it to.
I think that is therapist speak honestly. But I heave a sigh of relief, pat my racing heart and repeat to myself - It will be what I want it to be. I will be (can be? am?) who I want to be.
Food experiments
This is definitely not a meal from last week cause last week was week from quick fix meals. But I remembered that this meal was not shared here and this meal brought me such joy.
I have no idea how to make rotis and I have for most of my life been terrible at it.
Recently I tried and realised the kneading is pretty hard with my swollen fingers but it was pretty satisfying to eat the rotis.
I also discovered that Lauki (or as I pronounce it loki) is delicious and have been cooking it a lot. You can see it in the photo with a bowl of dal with spinach in it.
All good things that don't really need recipes. OOPS :D
Dear you,
I have not had a good week. It is awfully hard to focus on the nice things
when you are tired, in pain and having to work through it. I hope you (and me) will have a
a better week ahead. <3
Love, kindness and warmth,
Nidsitis
'I’ve been circling for thousands of years and I still don’t know: Am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song?' - Rainer Maria Rilke