'Accept what comes from silence.'
Reading corner How to Be a Poet by Wendell Berry
(to remind myself)
i Make a place to sit down. Sit down. Be quiet. You must depend upon affection, reading, knowledge, skill—more of each than you have—inspiration, work, growing older, patience, for patience joins time to eternity. Any readers who like your poems, doubt their judgment. ii Breathe with unconditional breath the unconditioned air. Shun electric wire. Communicate slowly. Live a three-dimensioned life; stay away from screens. Stay away from anything that obscures the place it is in. There are no unsacred places; there are only sacred places and desecrated places. iii Accept what comes from silence. Make the best you can of it. Of the little words that come out of the silence, like prayers prayed back to the one who prays, make a poem that does not disturb the silence from which it came.
Healing notes
In difficult times, I have always turned to books. But as my brain fog and pain increased, it became harder to read as much as I used to. I became choosy and picky. But disability literature has a way of piecing me back together that is simply marvellous. I have been reading Tongue Breaker by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna - Samarasinha and I am in love. (This happens a lot). But I noticed how she forces me to change my language a lot. She questions the need for us to say "hope you feel better", "take care", "Speedy recovery". Her questions come from a place of being ill for many decades and being a survivor. These words, harmless as they are, had an effect on her that the responsibility to get better was on her solely. Honestly, I am not sure how I feel about it. I struggle talking about this with my friends who have been ill for long time. We crack jokes about - is today better than yesterday? Does it hurt less? Was it possible to read? Did less shit hit the fan today? Did you get a chance to rest? Was sleep a bit better?
There is knowledge here that the other is doing the best they can. It is comforting to check up on each other because when you have been ill for many many years, it is hard to keep track of what "well" feels like and I would like to celebrate the well too. But having support when days are harsh and you are feeling lonely is always great. Especially since we all know healing is not linear. It is a rocky path with good days, bad days and god, why are you a day, day.
So like I always do when I am curious, I asked on my Instagram what are the options people would choose/prefer over "take care", "feel better", and "Look after yourself". I am going to share some of the responses I got and I must say, people changing language to expand and fit our difficult, ill and demanding lives is a thing of beauty. Here are some of the responses:
I see what you are going through. I want to listen to your experiences. What do you need?
Because my love language is words of affirmation: I love you so much and I am thinking of you.
I care about you. I might not understand what exactly you are going through but I will try. I am here.
Let's burn everything to the ground!
Do you want to hug?
I will hold space for your feelings, words and emotions.
I know healing is not linear. Take all the time you think you will need.
I am coming to hug you.
I am here to listen. Pour it all out.
Shall I come over with some food/wine/juice? We don't need to talk. We can just watch something.
Are you running low on groceries? Need a chore? I'd like you to not worry about X today.
I know you've been keeping to yourself a lot. Please join me and my friends for a movie.
It will get better. You'll be okay. Keep going.
Can I help you through this?
Tu apna hai. Saans le aur dheere dheere badho (You are yours. Take deep breaths and go ahead slowly)
Have you eaten?
I am here for you.
Cake, pizza or both?
Something about this tiny exercise gave me hope. Hope about an imagination and co-creation of care and support. It is possible and sometimes it requires us to say it in the smallest ways. I am not sure everyone feels like take care shifts responsibility on to the individual but I wish for spaces in all our ways where we can tell the people we love and care for, who love and care for us - that we are here and we want to be there for them in the way they would like us to be.
Moving towards a language that encompasses community care <3
Food experiments
So! I tried to make chocolate mousse and failed and made chocolate pasty thing that I ate and ate. Since I made three whole cups.
I separated 3 eggs and beat the egg whites into small peaks (god bless my friend S who gave me her electric beater or else I would have been ded arms)
Keep the egg white aside. Beat the egg yolks till nice and beautiful.
Meanwhile, melt chocolate on top of a vessel of water. Don't let vessel touch water. All this gymnastics is new for me. Usually I am like woaaaah melt faster chocolate.
Finally, beat cream and then add it to the egg whites. Add sugar (I added barely anything cause I used sugared chocolate)
Once cream, egg whites and sugar are beaten. Slowly mix the egg yolks and chocolate. Fold both in and refrigerate for 4 hours or like me for 12 hours with no luck. Hmph. So don't try this at home??
Dear you,
Thank you for being here after all these months.
I love the generosity that pours out of the people who drop by.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Love, kindness and warmth,
Nidsitis
'I’ve been circling for thousands of years and I still don’t know: Am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song?' - Rainer Maria Rilke