'A tremor of heat, a radiance, a changed flickering thing?'
Reading corner
Questo muro
by Anita Barrows
Quando mi vide star pur fermo e duro
turbato un poco disse: “Or vedi figlio:
tra Beatrice e te è questo muro.”
(When he [Virgil] saw me standing there unmoving,
he was a bit disturbed and said, “Now look, son,
between Beatrice and you there is this wall.”)
— Dante, Purgatorio XXVII
You will come at a turning of the trail
to a wall of flame
After the hard climb & the exhausted dreaming
you will come to a place where he
with whom you have walked this far
will stop will stand
beside you on the treacherous steep path
& stare as you shiver at the moving wall, the flame
that blocks your vision of what comes after.
And that one
who you thought would accompany you always,
who held your face
tenderly a little while in his hands—
who pressed the palms of his hands into drenched grass
& washed from your cheeks, the tear-tracks—
he is telling you now
that all that stands between you
& everything you have known since the beginning
is this: this wall. Between yourself
& the beloved, between yourself & your joy,
the riverbank swaying with wildflowers, the shaft
of sunlight on the rock, the song.
Will you pass through it now, will you let it consume
whatever solidness this is
you call your life, & send
you out, a tremor of heat,
a radiance, a changed
flickering thing?
[Source: http://www.ayearofbeinghere.com/2015/01/anita-barrows-questo-muro.html]
Healing notes
My therapist brought to my attention something she had said to me in my initial few therapy sessions with her. That I needed to imbibe the power of Layla's love, kindness and gentleness towards me, within me. She asked me if I feel I have made any progress. I told her a part of me felt last week that I had unknowingly found myself in a better place (body image, pain wise). I found the voice inside my head had turned kinder. Had softened up. That I felt more at peace even during hard times - especially since I haven't lost any weight nor has the pain become my imaginary friend.
She paused for a moment and replied, "That is great. But what does intentional generosity towards your self look like, in your everyday life?"
I was a bit surprised. It had occurred to me that what I felt was more circumstantial than intentional. I am still mulling over this. But if everyday intentional loving helps rewire my brain, how do I go about it?
I have learnt, like Anita Barrows suggests in the poem, that we need to walk through the fire to emerge on the other side. Better, stronger, or just different. Yet, it becomes harder then to hold onto my tender selves intentionally while walking through fires. How do I stay gentle, generous and loving towards myself?
Reminds me of all the stuff I said a few newsletters back about attention being a form of love and kindness. Maybe this is one way? Do you have any other ways?
Food experiments
Red rice noodles
The recipe for this sauce comes from S. I added the veggies and the red rice noodles.
Red rice noodles (Naturally yours)
Mushrooms
Spring Onions
One onion
Lots of garlic
Butter
Tomato sauce
Salt
Pepper
Chilli flakes
Cut up the mushrooms, onion, spring onions and garlic. Toss the garlic into the butter in a pan. After a while add the onion. Let it become translucent.
Meanwhile, boil water in a big bowl. Add the red rice noodles. Let it cook for 4-5 minutes. Drain some of the water but leave some in the bowl.
Add the sauce to the pan, mix in some salt, pepper and chilli flakes. Mix well. Add the remaining vegetables. Keep cooking.
Once cooked, add the red rice noodles along with the water and tada!!
Dear you,
May there be tonnes of goodness in your week ahead. This is our (mine and my cats) wish
for you. <3
Love, kindness and warmth,
Nidsitis
'I’ve been circling for thousands of years and I still don’t know: Am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song?' - Rainer Maria Rilke