'A home, like this body, so alien when I try to belong'
Reading corner Home
by Arundhathi Subramanium
Give me a home
that isn’t mine,
where I can slip in and out of rooms
without a trace,
never worrying
about the plumbing,
the colour of the curtains,
the cacophony of books by the bedside.
A home that I can wear lightly,
where the rooms aren’t clogged
with yesterday’s conversations,
where the self doesn’t bloat
to fill in the crevices.
A home, like this body,
so alien when I try to belong,
so hospitable
when I decide I’m just visiting.
Healing notes
There is so much growth possible within therapy and outside of it that sometimes wanting to change is addictive. I hyper focus on what is wrong and try to "fix" it. It is changing how I have begun to view my anxiety that is now on the edge thanks to all the work we are doing in therapy. Memories have been triggered which I cannot avoid. I think the primary thing I find myself working on is making this body-mind that I have a conflicted relationship with - home. I have turned to so much literature to make sense of this. Fat positivity. Disability lit. Understanding trauma. All to inhabit my body better. To flee less when trouble strikes and to fight less when conflict arrives.
Recently, I have been trying techniques that allow me to take a break from my body when something affects me and to return to it in a calmer state of mind. I have never been able to practise this well because I am one who spends time overthinking why anxiety has returned. So to calm my body first and then return to the scene of anxiety with a calm mind - is a new fete for me.
I am learning so much from this. It is actually a relief to leave the moment of anxiety instead of staying in it. Learning to calm my body has been a huge learning and one I am utterly grateful for. The breathing into the discomfort and breathing out into the comfort - settling into the idea that the body is afraid of something that isn't present in my surroundings is to be honest marvellous.
Additionally, through this practise I have discovered that seemingly good things also can have negative reactions. Off late, I have written quite a bit and received mostly good feedback for it. However, the good feedback has sent me into a spiral of imposter syndrome. Somehow my body-mind is unable to trust that good things can happen. So I wait, like a crook, for the bad end of this deal to drop. Learning to observe this tension in my body, accepting that good and bad can co-exist through breathing and letting go of the possibilities that I cannot control - has been enlightening.
I have begun to use these phrases associated to the Emotional Freedom Techniques that my therapist introduced me to and I love the exercise. You can read about why this works in a piece here.
Step 1: Place three fingers of one hand to the side of the other (near the little finger) like you would in a karate chop.
Step 2: Assess the level of distress and rate it on a scale of 1-10.
Step 3: Repeat these lines: Even though I have conflicting emotions, I love and accept myself fully. I embrace how I feel fully.
Step 4: Reassess if the level of distress has reduced.
Other examples: Even though I have this stressful problem that is upsetting me, I love and accept myself and how I feel anyway.
Even though I am having these stressful experiences, and am telling myself negative things about my self worth, I understand and appreciate myself anyway, and I am doing the best I can. There is hope! I value my Spirit.
This is of course not a therapist's advice. I am merely sharing what has been a positive experience for me. Often I feel healing is a mystery and what works needs to be shared as much as we discuss what is hard everyday. This might be harder to do with difficult traumatic moments. The practise has helped me to remind my body-mind that even if I don't agree with this feeling - I need to love and accept myself fully. This is just another reminder for me that my body-mind has the ability to be kind to myself and to comfort myself through tough times. Something I still struggle to accept because of the way I process emotions and instances.
If nothing else, I hope you can repeat these statements to yourself on difficult days. Because, I understand how harsh one can be to the self, from my own experience. <3
Food experiments
This is my grandmother's recipe and I am so happy to share it with you all.
It is a milk khova/tertipal as we call it in Tamil :)
First you place milk (500 ml) on the gas on low flame and add two spoons of curd to it. Let this mix for a while and then you add Milkmaid/Condensed milk (200ml) to it,
You can add elaichi, raisins etc based on your tastes. Let this reduce and thicken for 45 minutes.
Once cooled, put it in the fridge and eat!! :) The curd makes the dish not as sweet as it can be and you can reduce the amount of condensed milk if you wish to not eat it too sweet!
Happy sweeting :D
Dear you,
Hope the festive season hasn't led to any allergic reactions for you. *cough cough*
Air is polluted and some of us (I mean me) are struggling to breathe even in our
cocooned from the world houses. Sigh.
Hope you have good health by your side this season <3
Love, kindness and warmth,
Nidsitis
'I’ve been circling for thousands of years and I still don’t know: Am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song?' - Rainer Maria Rilke